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June 2024

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6.18 LIVING RENT FREE IN MY HEAD

It’s such a hard thing to make out. Over the past couple of months, clarity and fear have been more present than ever. My career goals and what I want or would like for myself change every day. I want to become successful; I would like to finally earn my PMP and become a highly paid project manager. I’d like to drive a nice car and have a loving family of my own to come home to.
 
    But mentally and emotionally, I dream of becoming a woman who is kind yet tough—someone people respect and look up to. She would set boundaries and know her worth. The woman I dream of is someone I think about every second of every day. I find myself feeling ashamed of the person I am right now, longing for the future Serina, even if she is just a dream.
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6.5 EAT. PRAY. LOVE

What a beautiful day to be utterly alone, yet I’m not alone at all. So many people love me; they love everything about me—my friends, my family, my dog—even strangers. Love doesn’t have to be from someone I am romantically involved with. I can give myself everything I’ve ever needed, the stability I seek within me. Whenever I feel upset or alone, I watch Eat Pray Love. Kathy, the main character, goes on a journey of self-discovery. Even on her bad days of loneliness, sadness, and anger, she lives through it all. But, as it is said in the movie, if you want to get the castle, you need to swim the moat.

There have been so many signs that this journey I’m on is the right one. On my hard days, something always happens to show me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My anger, sadness, and emotions are turning into hope and faith—the hope that this is not forever and the faith that God has a plan, and I have a plan, through this darkness. You are loved; you are missed more than you know. 

Take six months to a year, and you will be amazed at how much things will change. 

Change is a good thing.

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6.2 A Force to be reckoned with.

Now seems like the right time to reflect on my “big three”: emotional turbulence, sadness, and anger. These have been especially prevalent in my life this week. Social media and my family life constantly remind me of women my age who are having children, getting married, or getting engaged. Many women dream of these milestones from a young age, and I am no exception. Love and the idea of being in love dominate my thoughts, often leaving me in tears over other people’s happiness, secretly wishing it were my own.

Despite being young and in what some consider my “prime years,” I crave stability. I find myself emotional about everything because my current life wasn’t part of my plan. It’s often said that when you tell God your plans, He laughs in your face.

The sadness I experience feels like a river flowing constantly within me, never leaving my mind. I isolate myself, finding solace only in sleep, but when I wake, the sadness remains. Will it ever go away? My thoughts keep circling around situations and others’ opinions, and I wish my mind would find peace.

From this sadness comes anger—a powerful force. I am angry about the lies I’ve believed and the sense of abandonment I feel. Being alone has fueled this anger. I no longer want to feel like this. I long to be loved and desired, to feel wanted. Yet, day after day, I am drawn into these thoughts while the world continues on, and those who have hurt me seem to find happiness. My only joy seems to be found in sleep. I am frustrated that healing hasn’t yet reached me. My wounds are still bleeding, and I feel like a defenseless cat, cowering and licking my wounds. Healing feels impossibly hard, especially when it seems I haven’t even scratched the surface of my journey.

I know so much, yet my mind and heart still resist improvement. Every day is a battle. Every day, I get up and fight. I want to give up because it’s the easier path, but I fear that giving in will cause my dreams of becoming the woman I aspire to be to fade away.