8.26 NOT SO SERIOUS

This weekend, I started off with a recap of my college days, surrounded by the girls who have endured the sheer chaos of my old ways. We were saying goodbye to one of my good friends who is leaving abroad for a couple of months. During our dinner, I slipped back into my expressive, over-the-top self. Being in an old environment awakened my wild side, leading to a weekend of recklessness, to say the least. Sometimes old flings and old activities, like college night outs, don’t mesh with our newfound “healed lives.” Was it nice to dance the night away again and be an over-the-top, young, crazy single girl? ABSOLUTELY. This time around, though I wasn’t drinking, I found myself exhausted from a full day of my workout program and work on top of that. It felt good to go home with a clear conscience about what the night had entailed. I love my friends dearly, and while I feel a mix of emotions about the way we are all living our lives, that’s no longer my place to comment on. Lately, the current themes of my life are empathy and compassion—a hard theme for me indeed. I lack compassion when someone doesn’t see life the way I do. Taking a step back to remind myself that not everyone is going to understand things from my perspective has been a saving grace. But there are times when the mean Serina, who tolerated nothing with little empathy, resurfaces, leaving a trail of destruction behind her. It’s tough to struggle with the knowledge of knowing better while still having trauma triggers coursing through my veins. No matter how long I’ve tried to drown these triggers out, they still live and breathe within me. Healing is an everyday battle; some days I come out victorious, others not so much.

Friday ended well. Saturday was a blur of chaos, including an early morning workout, prepping for “Auntie of the Year,” running around, driving around, and walking around for 45 minutes doing outdoor work, resulting in bleeding blisters. I made it out alive until the end of the night when I fought with my best friend. Over-tired, frustrated aunties should be given a free pass for any conversations that happen while cleanup is underway. All is forgiven and forgotten.

That night, I spent time with my Mr. Big—kind, polite, but enigmatic. Our night was just what I needed after a chaotic day. We started the next day with breakfast, engaging conversation, and a cozy nap. I’m now taking things day by day and approaching life differently. “With a motto inspired by my favorite Sex and the City character, Charlotte: ‘Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.'”  I’m fulfilling my days with myself above all else and taking the pressure off the usual “What are we? Where will this go? Who am I to this guy?” questions. I’m just having a good time, dressing up, running around town, and experiencing life. I used to control every single thing a man did for me. I learned the hard way that flowers, meaningless conversations, and false pretenses of a future were a waste of my time. You can’t control the future, let alone control a man, so why take everything so seriously? Maybe if I had been less serious in my past two relationships, they wouldn’t have hurt as much as they did. A false hope for the future is the worst “what if.” You live your life stressed about everything, wondering why he won’t text you back, bring you flowers, ask you out in three months, or let you meet his family. What was the point in stressing out if things didn’t work out anyway? “By choosing not to take things too seriously and focusing on each day as it comes, we can significantly reduce our stress and anxiety levels. Embracing a lighter approach to life allows us to handle challenges with more ease and find greater joy in the everyday moments.

Interestingly, the ashwagandha pills I’ve been taking seem to be working—funny, I know. After our nap, I joined a friend at church. Despite a long list of things to do, I felt confident that everything would fall into place. With my new routine, I’ve struggled to keep up with writing. However, the quieting of my thoughts is partly thanks to a therapeutic exercise: writing a goodbye letter to the “evil Serina” who resides in my head.

This inner critic, born from years of bullying, is loud and full of doubt, anxiety, and negativity. Initially, I doubted the effectiveness of writing this letter, but it surprisingly made a difference. Anyways, I wrote to her. Some time last week, I sat down thinking to myself how stupid this letter was and that there was no point because what does writing to her even matter? She’s evil! Come to find out, it worked—who would’ve ever guessed my highly educated therapist could be right? Although I won’t share the letter with you guys, it did change things for me. I learned that I deserve everything I’ve ever wanted in life. Who was she to tell me I don’t? She doesn’t know me. Most importantly, she doesn’t define me. I lacked compassion toward myself above all else; empathy was nowhere to be found. So how could I possibly incorporate these themes into my life if I didn’t display them within myself? Here’s to a new week of incorporating these themes into my life, hoping for the best while working through the worst. Not everything has to be so serious, we can all gain from taking a graceful approach to things.

It’s not like we are getting out of here alive.