8.5 Justice scale of life
For once, I am not stressed about making everything work out and being in complete control. My therapist didn’t get mad at me when she learned of all the changes I made in my life over the past month we have been “disconnected.”
The bully in my head thought Marcelina (my therapist) would murder me herself; instead, I was met with grace. I learned that the balance in life is not about juggling your daily endeavors but about balancing the good and the bad. Such a simple discovery changed my entire perspective. During the entire month, I struggled with my thoughts on accepting my life and moving forward. I found myself constantly over analyzing and strapping down every single thought as if a car accident is about to occur and we need to keep them safe. The evil Serina, whose voice is so loud, was swimming around in my mind, telling me I don’t deserve anything, that I don’t deserve better than to mess everything up. Do you think I should have listened to her?
Most days she’s screaming in my ear. Other days she is in charge of my whole life, making every single choice and forcing me into a deep depression where she thinks I deserve to stay. Occasionally, I am strong enough to silence her, but she always brings me back to where it all began—never fitting in, never being enough to have friends, never being anything other than just Serina. Always ignored, the last person on everyone’s mind, including herself. Shrinking to fit into whatever lifestyle other people deem fit. Balancing all things through the good and bad has been quite an adjustment, similar to the tipping scale of justice. I find myself rocking back and forth, but most days standing exactly in the middle, scared to embrace the joy of my healing and always terrified of the past repeating itself.
Do you think I will ever find a way to have both? During this tumultuous time, I was introduced to a movie called Britney Runs a Marathon. I learned it was never about her being fat; it was about her accepting herself and then finding people who love her just as she is. Through her flaws, she became eager to fit into a slot of what she thought was everyone else’s ideal person. But the real issues came from the way she spoke to herself, and then it manifested into the way she spoke to others.
So, technically speaking, if I love myself through the bad and the good, will I manifest my dream life? Maybe there is no catastrophe ahead but, rather, a whole journey of imperfection. How bad could it really be? How much better could it be? Perspective was gained. And just maybe the future, being a final destination, was never about the end goal at all. Maybe, just maybe, the journey of everyday life is something we get to choose for ourselves. The quicker we make the right or wrong turn, the faster we realize our mistake or correct path, and then proceed to the finish line. I guess this is what some people call hope, or what most say is faith. I don’t know why I always thought everyone grows up and has everything figured out. The real gift is being here in the moment, surrounded by everything and nothing at all. Each year is different from the last. Each lesson is more important than the one before. Learn fast on your feet or hit the ground running if you need to. Redirection and rejection are part of life; all the nuances of life are starting to make sense.