8.23 To My Flame & Flower

I’ve sat here for years, mad at all the love I’ve lost, angry at the way I’ve been treated, and blind to the lessons I’ve learned. I am full of blessings now, grateful for those who have passed by my heart, taking a piece with them. All of this anger and hate has dissipated into love and learning .Recently, I took a deep dive into my camera roll, discovering all of my lost love. A flood of emotions filled me to the brim. I felt the sting of heartache, but mainly the massive amount of memories right in front of me. I’ve had two great loves in my life. The first was sudden; we were smitten by each other to such an extent that we became insanely toxic, insisting we alone belonged to each other and no one else. I loved him fiercely with all I had, though we were just kids, not knowing our trauma was seeping out. We were both bleeding on each other, trying so hard to clean up the mess, but it became too much. Time and time again, we tried to make things work, but I was naive. While he helped clean me, I cut him more every time. One day, we met up again while our wounds were still healing, and we agreed to leave each other’s lives for good. Heartbroken doesn’t even come close to the way I felt. When you love with all you have you lose yourself. The lesson in my first big love was to be mindful of the way I treated people and to forgive them for being a product of their environment, as I am a product of mine. Though our love became toxic,  We didn’t know any better. We fought the fight to keep our love alive, but when two souls are on fire, who’s going to be the one to ease the flames? I’ve said goodbye to this first love a thousand times over; it never did become any easier. The lessons I’ve gained were worth the pain. The tears I shed healed my wounds. Though there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t think of my first love, I’m happy to have endured it. Love is never a waste because, at the end of the day, we were just two kids in love. They hold a piece of me, as does everything I’ve ever loved. Although I used to sit here crying for days for the love I’ve lost, the tears were a lesson in how lucky I was to have experienced something so beautiful that saying goodbye was so incredibly hard.

 My second love was a surprise to me. It happened very quickly. I vowed to control every aspect of this relationship to prevent the damage I did to the other one. This was our downfall. Think of it as when you have a beautiful flower in your hand, you want to hold it close to your heart, away from any and all danger, forgetting it needs space to grow, water to thrive, and soil to root itself. It needs a life too. You can’t force something to stay just because you think it’s so precious. In the end, it will fade away. I learned a great lesson: all good things in life cannot be controlled or taken out of their environment. Flowers bloom in their own place, as you need to bloom in yours. Even though our love has faded, I’ll always remember the way it bloomed beautifully, filling me with compassion and strength. The strength to stand alone and the ability to thrive in my own environment. I was taught independence, compassion, letting go, and more than anything, that love is never a waste. Pushing all my issues onto the abandonment I’ve felt, little did I know it built me into this beautiful woman who is capable of love and loss. Healing has slowly washed over me. I used to pray for days like this. You can actually circle back to some of my blog posts where I’m angry at how little I’ve healed. Wanna know something? 

I took things day by day because living in the present is all that ever mattered. The voice in my head has ceased. I am enough. I’ve always been enough. Anything that’s transpired has never been with malicious intent. The love I have for myself now was worth every tear I’ve shed. Though painful, it was necessary.

Now I live my life grateful for the pain but also with a full heart knowing everyday is a memory to cherish. 

I am indebted to all my great loves, especially my flame and flower.