8.30 Standing in the rain

I can sit here and say I’m fine, but it wouldn’t be true. I wear my heart on my sleeve, falling in love with everyone I meet, loving deeply and long. How can I heal when pieces of me are scattered everywhere? I want so much more than the life I’m living. My dreams are right in front of me, waiting for me to reach out and grab them.

I’m not fine. I thought I was okay; I thought I could sit in front of my therapist and say I’m doing great, only to have her point out that I’m still healing. It’s a gut punch to hear that. I haven’t cried in a long time, but today I’m crying. No matter how long I try to be strong, my heart doesn’t heal. I’m optimistic about my future, but right now, I’m just sad, lost, confused, and hurting.

My heart aches because it’s so tired of being strong. The pain never seems to end; I’m just living with it. I see strangers online, happily in love, getting married, and it always leads back to the fairy tale ending I dream of. I have time to find someone, but I can’t help but wonder why I’m always left in the dark. I just want to be loved. A big part of this feeling comes from not being able to love the person I am right now. Maybe someone will love me for all my flaws. Until then, I sit here crying over others’ happiness, wishing it were my own. I envy their happy endings and would give anything to have someone look at me with love and be grateful to be beside me through life. Instead, I’m trapped in my own head, crying while I type out my feelings.

Why not me? What’s wrong with me that everything I’ve loved has left me? Please don’t tell me I have time or that I’m young when all I’ve ever known is the fairy tale—the Disney princess who doesn’t change but is loved for who she is. Why couldn’t that have been me? I dream of love; it fills every part of me.

I can’t seem to get over why things are the way they are. I find myself wanting to return to old exes, hoping they might learn to love me again, but I’m also face-to-face with the reality that they left me for a reason. I’m not seeking pity—just a girl asking to be loved for who she is. In this scene of life, I’m standing in the rain, waiting for love to come and save me, while in reality, I’m crying at my desk at work, knowing there’s no savior in sight. Just me.

I’m not fine, I’m not okay, at least for today.

I wish I was enough—enough for someone to choose me in everyday life. That’s not the case, but oh, how I wish it were. The loneliness I feel is daunting. I want to scream out to God seeking answers, but it seems He doesn’t hear me. When you’re this lonely, you settle for less than half your worth and still wonder why things don’t work out. I can’t stand here saying I’m happy because I’m not. I’m floating through life, begging to be woken up from this reality. I don’t want to cry anymore, but the sadness in my heart keeps seeping out. No matter how hard I try to push the pain away, it hasn’t faded. I can ask why all day long, knowing that the answer I seek may never come. I can only hope that the pain I feel now will eventually find its way out of me. I’m terrified it will stay with me forever, but the future isn’t known. 

Until then, I’ll be right here, standing in the rain.