6.2 A Force to be reckoned with.

Now seems like the right time to reflect on my “big three”: emotional turbulence, sadness, and anger. These have been especially prevalent in my life this week. Social media and my family life constantly remind me of women my age who are having children, getting married, or getting engaged. Many women dream of these milestones from a young age, and I am no exception. Love and the idea of being in love dominate my thoughts, often leaving me in tears over other people’s happiness, secretly wishing it were my own.

Despite being young and in what some consider my “prime years,” I crave stability. I find myself emotional about everything because my current life wasn’t part of my plan. It’s often said that when you tell God your plans, He laughs in your face.

The sadness I experience feels like a river flowing constantly within me, never leaving my mind. I isolate myself, finding solace only in sleep, but when I wake, the sadness remains. Will it ever go away? My thoughts keep circling around situations and others’ opinions, and I wish my mind would find peace.

From this sadness comes anger—a powerful force. I am angry about the lies I’ve believed and the sense of abandonment I feel. Being alone has fueled this anger. I no longer want to feel like this. I long to be loved and desired, to feel wanted. Yet, day after day, I am drawn into these thoughts while the world continues on, and those who have hurt me seem to find happiness. My only joy seems to be found in sleep. I am frustrated that healing hasn’t yet reached me. My wounds are still bleeding, and I feel like a defenseless cat, cowering and licking my wounds. Healing feels impossibly hard, especially when it seems I haven’t even scratched the surface of my journey.

I know so much, yet my mind and heart still resist improvement. Every day is a battle. Every day, I get up and fight. I want to give up because it’s the easier path, but I fear that giving in will cause my dreams of becoming the woman I aspire to be to fade away.